Beach Reading Season has arrived! Like a group of white people that’s never heard of Hawaii, my family and I will be spending the last week of June in sunny Florida, embracing our inner beach bums. Will I engage in the summer pastime known as beach reading? You bet your ass I will.
Perhaps you’re wondering, What is beach reading? There are many schools of thought on the subject, but I maintain there are four criteria to be met for something to qualify as a Beach Read. *Ahem*
- It must be short.
- It must be funny.
- If it does not meet criteria #2, it must make the reader look smart and/or trendy. Or at the very least, give the impression the reader subscribes to The New Yorker.
It’s small enough to fit in the back pocket of your cut-off jeans.
- What follows is my fool-proof guide to your best Beach Reading Life.
@Cottoncandaddy is a Twitter account, something much better and shorter than a book. Written by Gracie Hoos, a witty twenty-something in Canada, this Twitter feed will have you obnoxiously laughing on the beach as you sip a Mai Tai, the other would-be beach readers all dying to know what you’re reading. In short, @cottoncandaddy is funny, attractive, and has a very cute dog!
What’s more beach read-y than a podcast? Nothing, especially when that podcast is This Sounds Serious, an eight-part, fictional-crime podcast that satirizes Serial et al., while being equally engaging and much funnier. In 2007, Orlando weatherman Chuck Brondstadt was found dead in his apartment after being killed with his own waterbed. Who did it? Was it his eccentric identical twin brother? A rival weatherman? Maybe a former member of an Atlantis cult?? The final episode drops June 19th, so get your binge on! If anyone asks what you’re listening to, say, It’s a compelling audio drama à la S-Town. Haven’t you heard of it?
Perhaps you left your Kindle at home, or maybe you’re on the lam to avoid paying your exorbitant library fines. Don’t worry, fearless Beach Reader, Netflix is here to save the day. Nailed It! is a competition cooking show, in which amateur bakers attempt to recreate pastry masterpieces. The fun part is none of them are particularly skilled, and they have very limited time. Whoever is closest to nailing it wins $10,000! This is better than a book because you can imagine fun stories about the contestants, like, How did this person ever get the idea they could bake? Are all of their friends gaslighting them while spitting half-chewed cupcakes into their napkins? Next thing you know, you’re writing a breezy thriller about a cooking-show contestant who has to solve a delectable murder before their time is up. Who needs Beach Reads when you can Beach Write, am I right?
Until next month,
P.S. This mailing list is one year old! Hooray! I don’t have any cake, but I do have tremendous gratitude. Many thanks to all of you for subscribing, reading Birthday Suits, and being excellent people.